I have been in the desert for 30 years now, and before I moved here in 1980, my life had already started taking a turn for the worse. I started smoking at 10 years old, and had begun the life of drinking and partying that would span the course of the next 20 some-odd years. Shortly after I moved here, while I was out running amuck at 13 years old, I was raped. I told my mom and after we got the guy arrested, I ended up dropping the charges because they managed to paint the picture of it being my fault. I have another story to tell about that, because God did something amazing through it after 25 years, but not right now. I got pregnant by a man at 15 years old who I thought was the love of my life, but because of drugs and other things, it got violent, so I got out. I left my daughter with him, and he packed up and left with her, and I only got to see her one other time until she was eight.
This sent me on many years of wanton drug and alcohol abuse. I was spinning out of control, starting to incorporate heroin in my methods of numbness, and I was becoming increasingly violent. In fact I used to go around and collect money for drug dealers, thinking that if I would do these things for these people, maybe they would love me. In the midst of it, I met my now husband George. It was under circumstances I won't get into, but that day I felt like I had truly met the love of my life. We were together for a while, running around robbing people, abusing people, and getting high, until we kind of got irritated with each other, so we went our different ways.
After this as I was still pursuing what I now know to be some kind of love and acceptance. I had some trouble with a particular girl, and she owed me some money, (60$), and I wanted it. She came over to a mutual friends house and we got into a fight, and I ended up fatally stabbing her. I put her into the back of my truck, and took her to the fire station, (which I did not want to do at first because I was scared of going to prison), but another friend of ours talked me into it. This is the very thing that today I understand as God's hand reaching in to pull me out of that life that was about to kill me. One very important fact I left out was that I had finally made contact with my eight year old daughter, and I had dropped her off at friends so I could go score dope for someone when all of this happened. Nice way to start out your relationship with your mom huh?!
Needless to say, after about a month in jail, I fully realized what had happened and I was devastated. I got on anti-depressants, and just slept all the time. I gained a ton of weight, and just laid around miserable. One day they called for anyone who wanted to go to church, and just so I could get out of that crowded cell, I went. One of the ladies ended up being the sister of one of my mothers ex-boyfriends. I did not even know she was a christian. After this encounter, many amazing things started happening. They gave me a bible, and I only opened it a couple times, but for some reason, a new strength was given to me. I stopped taking the pills, and then the most amazing part was when my lawyer pulled me out and told me they were offering me 7 years for voluntary manslaughter. There are a lot more details as to why this is so amazing, but at this point I won't cover it. I immediately said where do I sign, and off I went to California Institute for Women.
Little did I know that this was just the beginning of my new life the Lord was giving me. I met some amazing friends in there, some of which I still have today. I got blessed with being in one of the highest pay slots in a job that I totally loved. Before I went to prison I had a few jobs, but never anything worth bragging about. In fact I even got fired from one. So I just lived off of hustling. I discovered I actually could have friends that did not want anything from me but maybe a game of pinnacle or a friendly game of volleyball. I got to play volleyball with Susan Atkins, and Patricia Krenwinkle. I'm sure you know who they are. Or maybe you are too young.
Even though I was in a place like that I realized, now of course, that God does really work all things together for good, and I didn't even love Him then. Just before I got out, my daughters aunt brought her to see me, and I was able to apologize to her. She was just happy to see me again, and I her.
After I got out, I went to live with my mom, and they were still just kind of getting by, but I could not handle it. Some things had really changed in me, so I called up a friend that had come to see me, and he was hanging out in AA. Through him and many people in that program I made alot of new friends, sober ones. They helped me get a drivers license, get a checking account, and taught me how to function out here as a productive member of society. Shortly after I was home, I got a call from my grandmother on my dad's side telling me I had an insurance company trying to get a hold of me. It turned out that my father who I had hardly known, left me a $50k life insurance policy. Can you see God's perfect timing? He had died in 1989, and this was 1996. So I ended up getting the money by the end of the year, and got the truck I still have today, and still worked but I ended up blowing the money. Oh well. It comes and goes right.
Now comes my husband. This is the super amazing part, because this is when I finally meet God. Like I said I had been hanging out in AA, so I had been sober for quite a while, doing all the little do's of the program and thinking I had a relationship with a higher power. Little did I know how high that power was. I ran into an old friend who just happened to mention that George was out of prison. He had went in for a 6 year term right after I did. Please read his testimony, it is awesome. After I had heard that he was home, and he was not doing that good, one day I heard a voice tell me: 'Stop being afraid and go see George.' It was so crystal clear, I could not ignore it. So I called his moms house and he was sleeping, but she would give him the message. It is pretty much history from their, but I do want to fill in some details. George never really felt right in AA/NA, and he would always tell me I needed to read the real big book, (the bible), and I would tell him, it is just full of a bunch of do's and don'ts. It is too restricting.
Needless to say, I ended up getting drunk, and both George and I started using heroin. We did that for like 6 months, and if any heroin user ever reads this, God's hand was all in that in this sense; the whole time I used I could never get past using a dirty cotton. George kept having to use more and more, but I never could. Now we had a friend that kept ministering to us, telling us how much God loved us, and we would just kind of shrug it off, but for some reason I started watching some pretty well known shows on TV, ministry channels I mean.
This one particular testimony I heard one day really touched my heart, she was talking about how wonderful her family and friends were, and how much she loved them, but when all of them were gone for whatever reason, she would always have Jesus. The very next week, I just couldn't take it anymore. I was tired of taking the chance of getting busted, plus it was just not doing anything but killing us. We had gotten married the year before, and it had been a year of hell really. On the very day of my first year wedding anniversary, I told George: 'That's it! I am not doing this anymore, and I am not giving you anymore of your hard earned money to pay for that stuff!' I had access to health insurance, and rehab, something we had already tried once and failed.
Well George proceeded to take my wedding ring, his and mine, and go trade them for dope. I do not want to paint George out as a bad guy, and I pray that it does not, all of it was perfectly orchestrated for what happened while he was gone. I was so devastated when all of a sudden that testimony came back into my heart. I said: 'Lord, is that you?' He said yes, and that was the very moment I met the Prince of Peace. I'll tell you the peace that came over me that day was the very thing I realized I had been looking for my whole life. I came to the complete understanding that if I never had anyone in my life again, I would always, always have Him.
That was the day I was born again, and when my husband came home, and I was totally calm, he could see that something had happened to me. I was a changed woman. I told him what happened, and two days later, he surrendered his heart to the living God as well with that same guy that had been ministering to us. Our friend was overjoyed. The reason I went into detail about the heroin was because when the Lord came upon me, He took away that addiction, and any sickness or problems that come with stopping. George on the other hand had to go detox, and I am not saying that I am more special than him, God just had mercy in the fact that I needed to go to work, and take care of the house while he was in there.
It only took him three days, and he started to go to an in house rehab, but he called me and told me that the Lord had told him it is finished. I was skeptical, but I went and picked him up. He cried for a couple of days when he came home, not from pity or suffering, but from the realization of what incredible mercy God had shown someone like him. It was an awesome set of circumstances that I was able to be a part in and witness, not just for George, but for myself.
This sent me on many years of wanton drug and alcohol abuse. I was spinning out of control, starting to incorporate heroin in my methods of numbness, and I was becoming increasingly violent. In fact I used to go around and collect money for drug dealers, thinking that if I would do these things for these people, maybe they would love me. In the midst of it, I met my now husband George. It was under circumstances I won't get into, but that day I felt like I had truly met the love of my life. We were together for a while, running around robbing people, abusing people, and getting high, until we kind of got irritated with each other, so we went our different ways.
After this as I was still pursuing what I now know to be some kind of love and acceptance. I had some trouble with a particular girl, and she owed me some money, (60$), and I wanted it. She came over to a mutual friends house and we got into a fight, and I ended up fatally stabbing her. I put her into the back of my truck, and took her to the fire station, (which I did not want to do at first because I was scared of going to prison), but another friend of ours talked me into it. This is the very thing that today I understand as God's hand reaching in to pull me out of that life that was about to kill me. One very important fact I left out was that I had finally made contact with my eight year old daughter, and I had dropped her off at friends so I could go score dope for someone when all of this happened. Nice way to start out your relationship with your mom huh?!
Needless to say, after about a month in jail, I fully realized what had happened and I was devastated. I got on anti-depressants, and just slept all the time. I gained a ton of weight, and just laid around miserable. One day they called for anyone who wanted to go to church, and just so I could get out of that crowded cell, I went. One of the ladies ended up being the sister of one of my mothers ex-boyfriends. I did not even know she was a christian. After this encounter, many amazing things started happening. They gave me a bible, and I only opened it a couple times, but for some reason, a new strength was given to me. I stopped taking the pills, and then the most amazing part was when my lawyer pulled me out and told me they were offering me 7 years for voluntary manslaughter. There are a lot more details as to why this is so amazing, but at this point I won't cover it. I immediately said where do I sign, and off I went to California Institute for Women.
Little did I know that this was just the beginning of my new life the Lord was giving me. I met some amazing friends in there, some of which I still have today. I got blessed with being in one of the highest pay slots in a job that I totally loved. Before I went to prison I had a few jobs, but never anything worth bragging about. In fact I even got fired from one. So I just lived off of hustling. I discovered I actually could have friends that did not want anything from me but maybe a game of pinnacle or a friendly game of volleyball. I got to play volleyball with Susan Atkins, and Patricia Krenwinkle. I'm sure you know who they are. Or maybe you are too young.
Even though I was in a place like that I realized, now of course, that God does really work all things together for good, and I didn't even love Him then. Just before I got out, my daughters aunt brought her to see me, and I was able to apologize to her. She was just happy to see me again, and I her.
After I got out, I went to live with my mom, and they were still just kind of getting by, but I could not handle it. Some things had really changed in me, so I called up a friend that had come to see me, and he was hanging out in AA. Through him and many people in that program I made alot of new friends, sober ones. They helped me get a drivers license, get a checking account, and taught me how to function out here as a productive member of society. Shortly after I was home, I got a call from my grandmother on my dad's side telling me I had an insurance company trying to get a hold of me. It turned out that my father who I had hardly known, left me a $50k life insurance policy. Can you see God's perfect timing? He had died in 1989, and this was 1996. So I ended up getting the money by the end of the year, and got the truck I still have today, and still worked but I ended up blowing the money. Oh well. It comes and goes right.
Now comes my husband. This is the super amazing part, because this is when I finally meet God. Like I said I had been hanging out in AA, so I had been sober for quite a while, doing all the little do's of the program and thinking I had a relationship with a higher power. Little did I know how high that power was. I ran into an old friend who just happened to mention that George was out of prison. He had went in for a 6 year term right after I did. Please read his testimony, it is awesome. After I had heard that he was home, and he was not doing that good, one day I heard a voice tell me: 'Stop being afraid and go see George.' It was so crystal clear, I could not ignore it. So I called his moms house and he was sleeping, but she would give him the message. It is pretty much history from their, but I do want to fill in some details. George never really felt right in AA/NA, and he would always tell me I needed to read the real big book, (the bible), and I would tell him, it is just full of a bunch of do's and don'ts. It is too restricting.
Needless to say, I ended up getting drunk, and both George and I started using heroin. We did that for like 6 months, and if any heroin user ever reads this, God's hand was all in that in this sense; the whole time I used I could never get past using a dirty cotton. George kept having to use more and more, but I never could. Now we had a friend that kept ministering to us, telling us how much God loved us, and we would just kind of shrug it off, but for some reason I started watching some pretty well known shows on TV, ministry channels I mean.
This one particular testimony I heard one day really touched my heart, she was talking about how wonderful her family and friends were, and how much she loved them, but when all of them were gone for whatever reason, she would always have Jesus. The very next week, I just couldn't take it anymore. I was tired of taking the chance of getting busted, plus it was just not doing anything but killing us. We had gotten married the year before, and it had been a year of hell really. On the very day of my first year wedding anniversary, I told George: 'That's it! I am not doing this anymore, and I am not giving you anymore of your hard earned money to pay for that stuff!' I had access to health insurance, and rehab, something we had already tried once and failed.
Well George proceeded to take my wedding ring, his and mine, and go trade them for dope. I do not want to paint George out as a bad guy, and I pray that it does not, all of it was perfectly orchestrated for what happened while he was gone. I was so devastated when all of a sudden that testimony came back into my heart. I said: 'Lord, is that you?' He said yes, and that was the very moment I met the Prince of Peace. I'll tell you the peace that came over me that day was the very thing I realized I had been looking for my whole life. I came to the complete understanding that if I never had anyone in my life again, I would always, always have Him.
That was the day I was born again, and when my husband came home, and I was totally calm, he could see that something had happened to me. I was a changed woman. I told him what happened, and two days later, he surrendered his heart to the living God as well with that same guy that had been ministering to us. Our friend was overjoyed. The reason I went into detail about the heroin was because when the Lord came upon me, He took away that addiction, and any sickness or problems that come with stopping. George on the other hand had to go detox, and I am not saying that I am more special than him, God just had mercy in the fact that I needed to go to work, and take care of the house while he was in there.
It only took him three days, and he started to go to an in house rehab, but he called me and told me that the Lord had told him it is finished. I was skeptical, but I went and picked him up. He cried for a couple of days when he came home, not from pity or suffering, but from the realization of what incredible mercy God had shown someone like him. It was an awesome set of circumstances that I was able to be a part in and witness, not just for George, but for myself.
Now many years later, we have come into an even deeper understanding of what God has accomplished in our precious Lord Jesus Christ. I used to run around taking credit for 'my' asking Him for forgiveness. Now I realize that it was Him who gave it to me without my having to ask. The bible says that without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek him. That day I met my King was the day He showed me my faith that I would have with me till the day comes that I get to see Him face to face. All I had to do was say: 'Is that you Lord?!'
